Some days, it feels like every message from your ex is designed to provoke you.
The tone, the timing, the little digs — they all land like a spark in dry grass.
Before you know it, you’re in an argument you didn’t want, or you’re left replaying the conversation for hours.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Communication after separation can be the hardest part — especially when emotions still run high.
The good news? You can’t control how they speak, but you can absolutely control how you respond.
That’s where your power — and your peace — lives.
Step 1: Pause Before You Reply
When a message triggers you, your nervous system moves into fight-or-flight mode.
That means your body is primed to react, not reflect.
The simplest (and most effective) first step is pause.
Don’t reply immediately — even if you’re right.
Try this:
- Step away from your phone or laptop.
- Breathe out longer than you breathe in.
- Ask yourself, “Do I need to respond, or do I just want to react?”
If it doesn’t serve the children or the plan, it might not need a response at all.
Step 2: Use BIFF Communication — Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm
The BIFF method is your best friend for high-conflict co-parenting.
Keep messages short, factual, and free from emotion.
Examples:
“Thanks for your message. I’ll collect Ava at 4pm as planned.”
“Let’s stick with the schedule we agreed last month.”
“I’ve received the school notice — I’ll handle it from here.”
BIFF works because it gives no emotional fuel.
You’re staying respectful, but not reactive — calm, but not compliant.
Step 3: Stick to One Topic at a Time
High-conflict communication often spirals when multiple issues get bundled together.
Keep it to one point per message.
Instead of:
“You’re always late, and the kids said you forgot their bags again. I’m tired of this.”
Try:
“Please make sure the kids bring their school bags on Sunday. Thanks.”
Short, clear, and uninviting to argument.
You’re showing that you’re focused on solutions, not history.
Step 4: Neutral Is the New Strong
You don’t have to match tone. You don’t have to justify yourself.
Neutrality isn’t weakness — it’s strategy.
If you get a hostile message, take a breath and use one of these calm responses:
“I’m not comfortable with this tone. Let’s keep the focus on the kids.”
“I’ll respond when we can both speak respectfully.”
“I’ve received your message. I’ll reply to the relevant parts shortly.”
Every time you stay steady, you de-escalate the pattern — and reclaim your peace.
Step 5: Protect Your Emotional Energy
Limit how and when you communicate.
You don’t owe instant replies, late-night texts, or emotional explanations.
Set boundaries that support your wellbeing:
- Use written communication (shared app or email).
- Set response hours (e.g., within 24 hours during business hours).
- Keep all conversations child- or plan-focused.
Remember: peace is a parenting skill — one your kids will thank you for learning.
When You Need Support
Communicating with a difficult ex takes patience, self-awareness, and practice — and it’s easier with guidance.
At Relationship Matters, we teach separated parents the skills to stay steady and self-assured no matter how the other person behaves:
- 1:1 Coaching — personalised strategies for communication, emotional regulation, and setting firm boundaries.
- Group Coaching — learn and practise with others navigating the same challenges in a supportive, real-world way.
- Self-Guided Courses — templates, scripts, and reflection tools from our RESET to RISE™ framework, designed to help you regulate and respond with confidence.
Because calm isn’t passive — it’s powerful.
Next Step
If every conversation with your ex feels like a trigger, we can help you regain calm, clarity, and control.
Visit www.relationshipmatters.co to explore 1:1 Coaching, Group Coaching, and the Separation Survival Series — practical, compassionate tools to help you communicate confidently under pressure.
You can’t change their tone — but you can master your own.