You’ve survived the separation.
You’ve worked out the routines, the handovers, and the parenting plan.
And then the next challenge appears: the shared event.
A birthday.
A school concert.
A family holiday.
Moments that used to feel joyful can suddenly feel tense.
You want to be there for your children — but being in the same space as your ex can bring a wave of anxiety, resentment, or discomfort.
Here’s the good news: you can share these moments without sacrificing your calm.
It just takes some preparation, emotional regulation, and realistic expectations.
Step 1: Decide What “Success” Looks Like
Before the event, ask yourself: What matters most here?
Your answer might be:
- “That my child feels loved and supported.”
- “That I can stay calm and respectful.”
- “That I don’t let old wounds run the day.”
When you define success ahead of time, it’s easier to stay grounded when emotions rise.
It shifts your focus from control to clarity.
Step 2: Keep Communication Short and Civil
If you need to coordinate logistics, keep it light and practical.
“I’ll bring the cake and decorations. You handle the pickup?”
“Let’s both arrive 10 minutes early so Sam feels supported.”
Avoid rehashing past conflicts or emotional topics.
You’re not trying to get along perfectly — you’re modelling maturity for your children.
Calm communication helps kids feel secure, even when the relationship between parents has changed.
Step 3: Prepare Emotionally — Not Just Logistically
Shared events can stir up old feelings.
Even if you’ve been doing well, seeing your ex laughing with family or acting differently can reopen wounds.
That’s normal.
Don’t shame yourself for reacting — plan for it.
Before the event:
- Take five slow breaths in the car before you walk in.
- Repeat a grounding phrase: “I can be calm, even here.”
- Imagine a calm bubble around yourself — energy you protect, not defend.
This isn’t denial; it’s emotional preparation.
Step 4: Focus on the Kids’ Experience
For children, these shared events matter deeply.
They notice the energy between their parents — even more than the words.
If they see warmth, calm, or even simple politeness, they feel safe.
You don’t have to fake friendship — just focus on their joy.
Smile when they look your way.
Celebrate their moment fully.
Leave before tension escalates, if needed.
Your composure becomes their comfort.
Step 5: Debrief and Reset Afterward
Once it’s over, don’t overanalyse.
You did it — and that’s enough.
Take a walk, call a friend, or journal what went well and what you’d change next time.
This reflection turns awkward experiences into learning, and tension into strength.
Remember: every time you show up calmly, you’re teaching your children emotional intelligence in real time.
When You Need Support
Shared events can bring back old pain and new pressure — but you don’t have to navigate them alone.
At Relationship Matters, we support separated parents in building calm confidence and emotional steadiness through:
- 1:1 Coaching — to develop communication strategies and boundary-setting skills for co-parenting and public interactions.
- Group Coaching — where you’ll connect with others who understand what these moments feel like — and how to handle them gracefully.
- Self-Guided Courses — tools, scripts, and exercises from our RESET to RISE™ framework to help you regulate emotions and rebuild confidence at your own pace.
Because staying calm isn’t about pretending — it’s about preparation.
Next Step
If you’re ready to handle shared events without stress or conflict, we can help.
Visit www.relationshipmatters.co to explore 1:1 Coaching, Group Coaching, and our Separation Survival Series — practical tools for creating peace, even when life still includes your ex.
You can’t control who’s in the room — but you can control your energy in it.